“Oh, I couldn’t do that job. I’m not qualified enough. I need to sign up for this certification that takes a year and a half and costs a few thousand more dollars.”
“If I can’t do it in a way that satisfies me (or what I perceive satisfies others), I’m not going to do it at all.”
Stay with that noise long enough and it’s no wonder many perfectionists find themselves anxious, depressed, and disappointed. When perfectionists finally reach their goal, it’s often not satisfying. The striving was what gave energy. In order to displace the anxiety and depression, they come up with another goal.
But you want to know what’s really happening?
Brene Brown says it best: “Perfectionism is not about striving for excellence or healthy striving…it’s a cognitive behavioral process–a way of thinking and feeling–that says this: “If I look perfect, do it perfect, work perfect and live perfect, I can avoid or minimize shame, blame and judgement.”
Perfectionist’s ultimate fear is that they are afraid the world will see them for who they are and they won’t measure up.
Again, Brene: “Perfectionism is like a 20 ton shield–we think it’s going to protect us from being hurt but it protects us from being seen.”
And all we really want is to be seen. It’s biologically hardwired into our systems as a way to survive and connect. Perfectionism is a lonely island where no one knows how much work you put in to protect from the hurt and no one can see you for who you really are. It keeps us from surviving and thriving.
Think about the examples above. Every single voice is begging to be seen:
“I need to lose five pounds before I feel ready to wear a bathing suit in front of anyone.”
I don’t feel accepted by myself or others no matter how I look.
“She’s got 50 more ‘likes’ than me on Instagram. I can’t do anything right.”
When I see that, I think people don’t like me, and I feel worthless. I need to feel belonging.
“Oh, I couldn’t do that job. I’m not qualified enough. I need to sign up for this certification that takes a year and a half and costs a few thousand more dollars.”
I doubt my self-worth and competence. I wouldn’t be accepted with the skills I already have.
“If I can’t do it in a way that satisfies me (or what I perceive satisfies others), I’m not going to do it at all.”
Other people may see that I don’t have it all together. If they see that, I won’t be accepted and esteemed for who really I am.
…
So, you might ask, “When will I be good enough?” “When will I beat perfectionism and all the obsessive, anxious, demotivating behaviors that go along with it?”
Most of us know deep down that there’s no such thing as perfection. We will always have something to lose. That’s the gritty part of being vulnerable and imperfect. It’s also the part that bridges the divide between us. If we can exist in an imperfect space together, then we don’t have to live on the Lonely Island of Perfectionism.
Letting down that 20 ton shield is scary as hell. It’s been a safety mechanism for so long. It has probably kept you safe during times of your life when things felt out of control. Think about it…when, as a child or young adult, have you had to bear your shield?
Now, at this point in your life, is the shield helping you or hurting? (I’d venture to guess you’re in the hurting camp if you’ve made it this far in the post).
Here’s the secret:
- Make friends with your perfectionism.
- Honor what it has done to keep you safe.
- Grieve the loss it will bring to your life when you don’t have to rely on perfectionism as often.
- Give yourself grace, knowing that you’ll probably try to pick that shield back up a few times during your recovery.
- Take small risks at a time. Let people in by sharing your hurt and hopes.
- Find your support people. The ones who feel most “real.”
- Accept you may need alone time to nurse some “vulnerability hangovers.”
This road may be long. But it is liberating. Think of how much energy you have left when it’s not spent holding 20 tons every day.
Good luck, Recovering Perfectionist.
