Supporting a Loved One: Tips for Families Dealing with a Family Member's Eating Disorder
Supporting a family member with an eating disorder can be an emotionally challenging and complex journey. Watching someone you love struggle with their relationship with food, their body, and their self-worth is heart-wrenching, and it often feels like navigating uncharted waters. By understanding the nature of eating disorders and learning how to offer effective support, you can play a crucial role in fostering an environment of healing and hope. Whether you are just beginning this journey or seeking new ways to help, know that recovery is possible.
What role can I play in their treatment and recovery?
As a family member to someone with an eating disorder, you may take on various roles in their treatment and recovery. Before sharing these roles, I want you to know it’s incredibly important that you also take care of yourself during your loved one’s healing. Recovery is a marathon - not a sprint. You are going to need to delegate some of these roles to others in the time it takes your loved one to recover.
Some jobs you might take on in your family member’s recovery include:
Advocate: If you see changes that concern you about their eating, exercise, or body image behaviors, then say something. Advocate for their well-being by communicating your concerns. Check out What To Say and Do If You Know Someone With An Eating Disorder: Strategies from a Raleigh, NC Therapist for some scripts. Advocating for your loved one also includes taking part in their treatment with doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, nutritionists, and insurance companies so that they get the best care possible.
Concierge: You may choose to help them get to their appointments to make sure they attend as well as help schedule visits with their treatment team.
Accountability buddy: Help them stick to the treatment goals they’ve shared with you. One caveat: if they don’t follow through, it’s not your fault! Ultimately, they are responsible for their recovery actions but having a buddy can be very supportive.
Chef: A person with an eating disorder doesn’t have a normal view of food and meals can be rigid (for instance, eating the same thing at the same time every day). Being the chef and plating their meals to meet their meal plan can be a way to incorporate variety and nutrition without your loved one having to make too many decisions about food or be tempted to engage in eating disorder behaviors.
Role model for normal eating: Get used to the mantra “all food is good food” and model it. At the table, have a wide variety of foods, change things up with various meals on different days, drink beverages with calories, including dessert, and eat without commenting on foods.
Activity coordinator: It can be helpful to incorporate distractions during meal time and sit together until the meal is complete.
Cheerleader: Help them remember wins and their reasons for recovery.
Referral coordinator: Help create a safety net for support made of an eating disorder therapist, nutritionist trained in eating disorders, and other people who can help take on tasks so you’re not doing it all yourself. Get referrals to a specialist if you think your loved one needs more care than their getting.
Communicator: Get permission from the loved one to be able to speak with their treatment team so that you can be involved in their care. It can be hard for folks to comprehend information at doctor’s visits due to malnourishment so having another person listen and ask questions can be helpful. Further, the mental health effects of an eating disorder can include being sneaky and manipulative when it comes to admitting symptoms, so having another person there who has witnessed changes can be helpful for the treatment team.
Educator: Educate extended family and friends about how to support your loved one. Engage your loved one in coming up with some language or conversation topics that could be helpful for recovery.
How can I provide emotional support without enabling the disorder?
There are many ways you can provide emotional support to your family member with an eating disorder. Here are some suggestions:
Listen
Don’t let the eating disorder scare you away. Focus on the person, not the disorder.
If you don’t know what to say, say something positive - don’t ignore and make them feel like a person/part of the family.
Offer encouragement
Don’t make comments about food, weight, bodies - yours, theirs, or anyone else's
Acknowledge how hard recovery can be and that you’re there to support them even if they don’t want to talk about it at that moment.
Highlight wins and times they’ve been successful
Don’t take it personally when they don’t eat their meal plan or follow through on recovery behaviors
Know that relapse will probably happen and find your own support when it does. Caregiving is hard, and providing emotional support for others can’t happen if you’re not getting your own emotional needs met.
How can I help create a supportive home environment?
Creating a supportive home environment for a loved one with an eating disorder is essential for their recovery and well-being. It involves fostering a space of understanding, compassion, and patience, where they feel safe and encouraged to heal.
Have a variety of foods and non-diet beverages at home
Don’t talk about food, calories, weight, diets, exercise, or your and others’ bodies
Don’t diet or over-exercise
Get rid of scales at home
Remove exercise equipment from the house or make the place it’s located off limits for your loved one
Remove books about dieting, food plans, or exercise/fitness plans
Don’t use the word “healthy” when talking about food or bodies (especially the person with an eating disorder) - it often has a negative connotation to the eating disorder mindset. When sharing how you perceive your loved one, use different words such as “vibrant,” or “sparkling” or “I can see your eyes shining.” Remember, no body talk.
Eat normally to show your loved one what a normal plate looks like
Eat meals together at the same time
Spend time at the table or watching a show after a meal
Hold your loved one accountable to the goals they set with their treatment team
Talk with them about their goals and ask how they would like support
Talk with their treatment team about how you can support them at home. Each person is going to have different needs and their treatment team will have a good idea of what’s coming up that needs to be addressed.
Incorporate regular activities and fun - focus on the person, not just the eating disorder all the time
Model self-care. If you don’t have your own support outlets you will get burned out which can turn into resentment and bitterness towards your loved one and others.
Keep things in perspective: recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. You are not responsible for their recovery. They have to go through the difficult parts of recovery in order to build distress tolerance and experience the natural consequences of their eating disorder. Going through the hard parts is what ultimately gives people more motivation for recovery. Trying to save them from the distress of an eating disorder or enabling them to do behaviors without being accountable (e.g. keeping them in a sport despite an active ED) is going to make it harder for them to recover (and make you more burned out in the process).
What resources are available for families of people with eating disorders?
Thankfully, there are lots of resources available for families of people with eating disorders. It’s important to find support for yourself and connect with others who can give tips/tricks of how to get through the hard days. Here are some resources to get you started:
Support groups for families, parents, and spouses
Center For Discovery group for loved ones
The Emily Program support and education
F.E.A.S.T. Around The Dinner Table Forum for parents
Eating Recovery Center virtual family support groups
Books: Here is a giant list of books on the Emily Program website. A few I particularly like are:
Sick Enough by Jennifer Gaudiani, MD
The Eating Disorder Sourcebook by Carolyn Costin
Talking to Eating Disorders: Simple Ways to Support Someone With Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating, or Body Image Issues by Jeanne Albronda Heaton, PhD, and Claudia J. Strauss
Online videos:
Helping Your Child Eat With Trust Not Logic - applies to adults as well
Eating disorder professionals and treatment centers:
Psychology Today - search for providers with specific eating disorder experiences in your area
Therapy Den - a directory of providers that also include social justice and other niche focus
F.E.A.S.T. Education for Parents and Caregivers - lots of educational resources including how to look for providers
How can I become educated about eating disorders?
In addition to the resources above, feel free to check out the following articles that give additional tips for family members.
NEDA: “How To Help A Loved One”
Eating Disorder Hope: “Family Involvement: The Role Of Family In Eating Disorders”
McCallum Place blog: “The Hard Truth Of Supporting A Loved One In Eating Disorder Recovery”
EatingDisorders.org.au: Workbook for Caregivers “Caring For A Loved One With An Eating Disorder”
Supporting a loved one with an eating disorder is a journey that demands patience, empathy, and an understanding of the complexities involved. It's about creating a nurturing environment, encouraging professional help, and maintaining open, honest communication. Your consistent and compassionate presence can make a significant impact on their recovery process, offering them the strength and reassurance they need to heal.
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If you need further guidance or support, don't hesitate to reach out. I'm here to help families in Raleigh, NC, navigate these challenges. Feel free to contact me for personalized advice and resources tailored to your specific situation. Together, we can help your loved one in their recovery.
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